Best. Cullen. Column. Ever.

In the June issue of Boston magazine, John Gonzalez takes the Globe columnists to task for writing pieces that are “more Oprah than Oliphant.” We’re sad to report that Gonz is out on assignment today, so he can’t personally congratulate Kevin Cullen for writing the column we knew he had in him. (Though he would like to add that calling him “Gonzo” on the radio isn’t a requirement — the “o” part is optional.)

Seriously, Kevin. Well done. This is the most ballsy, passionate column you’ve penned in months.

If you haven’t read [BoMag] – and unless you’ve gotten your hair cut or gone to the dentist recently, you probably haven’t – Boston magazine says neither I nor my colleagues Adrian Walker and Yvonne Abraham have the mettle to be good columnists.

Good one! Except that you forgot that like the Globe, we also post our content online. And plenty of people have picked up on our story who may not subscribe to the magazine.

He even harshes on our Cullen Column Points System.

My favorite part of the article was when Mr. Gonzalez explained how one of his colleagues. . . has devised a system whereby points are awarded when a mentally retarded person, or the Red Sox, or the North End, is mentioned in a column. This is a very, very clever device to suggest I write about the same things all the time.

For those of you still playing along at home, you can add another two points when he mentions an alleged former mafia figure.

Being called soft by Boston magazine is like being called fat by Carmen DiNunzio, the 400-pound Mafia boss.

To find writing that sharp, you usually have to buy a Herald.

We’re happy that we helped bring out your spunky side, Kevin. Let’s hope Abraham and A-Walk are similarly worked up. Maybe they’ll take some of their aggression and write a good invective on City Hall, or the safety-challenged MBTA since you had to beat up on us first.