The Red Sox Are Hiring a New Green Monster

In this troubled economy, it’s hard to find any job, let alone a position with a well-known local company. So we’re delighted to inform you that the Boston Red Sox are hiring. No, Kenny Chesney, the team isn’t looking for a second baseman.

They’re looking to hire a new Wally.

There aren’t a lot of requirements to get the job. You’ve got to be able to lift 50 pounds, have a working knowledge of baseball and the Red Sox, and be able to play nice with others. Our application will be rejected because we don’t have at least a year’s experience as a “sports mascot, theme park character or actor,” unless you count our turn as Lady Macbeth back in high school.

The MLB job board doesn’t list the benefits new Wally can expect. Hopefully the gig comes with good health insurance—we expect even the most seasoned mascot must get woozy from time to time while vigorously dancing atop the dugout on a July afternoon.