The Gonz Show: John Cena

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I went to pro wrestling school a few years back. I was going to call myself Gonzilla. But they wanted me to take six weeks of classes before they’d hit me with a chair. Who has that kind of time? Believe it or not, it was four years before I got hit with my first chair. They want you to get in there and fall around a little bit first, because those things do hurt. What we do is entertainment, but it’s extremely, extremely physical. The amount of brutality is overlooked.

You’re a spokesman for Gillette now, but I’ve never seen a razor that can get someone as smooth as you are. You’re completely hairless. That’s some industrial-strength manscaping you’re doing. [Laughs.] It just goes to show you how good the razor is. I shave head to toe with it.

As a wrestler, you call yourself the Doctor of Thugonomics. Where do you go for a degree like that, Harvard or MIT? I actually got it at Springfield College. It’s a very small two-and-a-half-year course of thugonometry. At the end, you get the degree in thugonomics and everything. It’s quite a ceremony.

Speaking of Springfield College, the infamous Pats videotaper Matt Walsh also went there. After the grief that Spygate caused, I’m wondering if maybe you could “talk” to him. You can directly quote me: He should stop making it such a big effing deal. I know the Pats got caught, but it’s one of those things that every team does. The Pats have a certain swagger about their organization. They’re kind of like what the Yankees are to baseball. No one ever says, “Ah, the Yankees are all right.” It’s either “I’m a Yankees fan” or “Eff the Yankees.”

Now that we’re friends, will you do me a favor? What’s that? Will you hit me with a chair? [Laughs.] Bro, I will save you the agony. If I hit you with a chair, you would not get up. I promise you that.