Rush Limbaugh’s Sex Life: None of Our Business

Rush Limbaugh’s sex life is none of our business. In fact, contemplating it even momentarily strikes me as a rather gross and unpleasant undertaking. But apparently, Limbaugh doesn’t share my opinion about private behavior and private lives. In his rather limp efforts at damage control, Limbaugh did apologize for using the words “slut” and “prostitute” — but also managed to make it clear he thinks the private life of a private citizen should be fair game for the media if it’s for entertainment. I think ol’ Rushbo should maybe think twice about encouraging such behavior by the media. Because, well, you know how “those people” are.

As a former communications director myself, I would advise Rush to be very wary of providing a good hook for the liberal media to rehash some of the juicier details of his own rather colorful and value-free past: The Viagra bust in 2009 (on his way back from a Dominican Vacation while lonesome ol’ Limbaugh was a single guy), his arrest for doctor shopping in 2009, and his Oxycontin scandal and stint in rehab from 2003.

The 61-year-old-married-four-times -and-never-had-a-kid Limbaugh might also want to not say the kinds of things that draw attention to his childless past before going on spittle flying rants about how using birth control makes you a slut, or declaring: “Marriage is about raising children. That’s the purpose of the institution.” Because the liberal media might start bringing that stuff up about him. You know how those people are.

Limbaugh might also want to stay away from anything involving patriotism and serving in the military (since he never served due to a pilonidal cyst — look that up yourself — I don’t want to be the cause of spoiling your appetite) or addressing issues of higher education (since he never graduated from college). No, talking about these things could come back to bite him. He should avoid those subjects and stick to what he knows best: Making crap up about what liberals think.

I do have to admit that after just a little reading about his private life and the background of Limbaugh’s four wives, I did have a fuller and more compassionate understanding of why he might resent a woman like Sandra Fluke. Fluke is, after all, a woman of substance who is so uppity she wants to be a lawyer and was willing to testify about the importance of women’s access to reproductive health care. Limbaugh on the other hand, may soon have millions of reasons to dislike lawyers in general and he has found people, women in particular, who pursue far different career paths to be far more to his liking. People like his first wife Marta, the aerobics instructor, then Michelle, the Kansas City Royals stadium usherette, then Roxy, the sales secretary, and now his current wife, who is young enough to be his granddaughter.

There is no denying that, for all of his failings, Limbaugh is in many ways quite remarkable. Although he has never held any public office, never run a business, never been a father, never served in the military, and never graduated from college, he is still viewed as a man whose opinions really matter to conservatives. His fawning biographer called him one of the five most influential conservative voices in the past 50 years. And as the well-regarded conservative writer George Will has pointed out, Republican leaders today are afraid of being on the wrong side of Limbaugh. Will’s pithy quote was: “Republican leaders are afraid of Rush Limbaugh. They want to bomb Iran, but they’re afraid of Rush Limbaugh.”

But that may all be a little different now, since “Slutgate.” As the Christian Science Monitor put it:

“Before Rush Limbaugh spoke up, the Republicans thought they had a winning issue on contraception in health-care plans. Now, everyone is on the same side: against Rush Limbaugh.”

So, Limbaugh can choose his poison going forward. He can listen to me and all those temperate, rational people who suggest he should mend his hateful ways. Or he can listen to his fan base, and keep making crap up and spewing hate — and help get Barack Obama re-elected. Personally, I hope he does what most people do — and just ignores my good advice altogether.