Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Krasinski, and More Explain Deflategate on Kimmel

Update, 7:10 p.m.: Check out outtakes from the “I Am the Locker Room Guy” video. It includes even more trash talk, such as…

There’s one more thing I have to say, Twittah, all right? I don’t want to break it to ya, but Touchdown Tommy plowed all your moms like there was a Nor’easter, all right? And then he left you and ya families. Why? To get a better family. He’s with Gisele now. Not that hard to understand. Hashtag Deflategate? Eat a d—k, GO PATS!!! — Ben Affleck

Earlier:

In Patriots nation, we are all the locker room guy.

In a hilarious sketch on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Thursday night, a whole bunch of Boston celebrities including Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Krasinski, Chris Evans, and even Steven Tyler posed as diehard Patriots fans taking responsibility for Deflategate—and insisting that their beloved quarterback Tom Brady had nothing to do with the scandal.

Actors Affleck, Damon, Krasinski, and Evans delivered their very best Boston accents for the sketch, in which all the characters offered a reason as to why 11 of 12 footballs used in the AFC Championship game a few weeks ago were under-inflated.

Explanations included the following:

John Krasinski

“Donald O’Donnell McDonnell from Revere” tutors Tom Brady’s kid and was in the locker room at Foxborough during the game. They hear that the Goodyear Blimp is going down, “careening into the stadium,” and the captain starts yelling, “We need air!”

I started sucking air out of the regulation balls in order to save those people’s lives. I saved 17 people’s lives! Tom Brady had nothing to do with it, but let me tell you something: If he did, he would have done the exact same thing…because he’s a f—king hero.

Matt Damon

Funny story: I’m at the Pats game a couple weeks back with my f—king nephew who’s kind of a pain in the ass, he’s eight years old. And he’s hacking up a lung, he coughing really bad, he says he got bronchitis. I’m like, “You don’t have f—king bronchitis and I’m not leaving the game. I f—king paid a lot of money for these seats.”

So I go and I take a football—I don’t want to squeeze all the air into his little lungs because, you know, I don’t want to ruin the football, so I just take a little air out of most of them, like 11 out of 12 of them, and it does the trick. It absolutely saved his lungs.

Chris Evans

A guy named Tommy told me one of the balls had a genie in it. I tell the guy “Yeah right, no way.” He says, “Yes way,” and he says that’s how he got a Hyundai Elantra. Now, Tommy does have a Hyundai Elantra, so I think the guy’s telling the truth.

So…I let some of the air out of the balls to release the genie. Now, in retrospect, not smart.

It wasn’t Brady “unless he deflated those footballs with his piercing blue eyes.”

Ben Affleck

“Ryan Salty Flannigan from Roslindale” says:

I deflated those balls myself. All right? I did it. I’m the perpetrator. If you don’t believe me, there’s nothing I can say to change your mind. I’m turning myself in. My name is Ryan Salty Flannigan, I’m from Roslindale, Massachusetts. If you don’t believe me, go f—k yourself. I love you, Touchdown Tommy!

Let me ask you a question: Who are you going to believe? Tom Brady, the greatest man in all of humanity, or a bunch of a—s from Twitter?

He also says that Bill Belichick was his chemistry teacher sophomore year, so “he understands this s—t.”

Steven Tyler

Tyler kicked off a string of clips of all the celebs—Grantland’s Bill Simmons and Dicky Barrett from the the Mighty Mighty Bosstones are in there too—saying:

It was me. I am the locker room guy. Now leave Tom Brady alone.

There you have it. The boys have spoken. On to the Super Bowl.