I Got 99 Resolutions But Weight Loss Ain’t One

Think your resolution was lame? We searched Twitter for weeks looking for the best resolutions on the Web. Here's what everyone else is saying.
By ·

1. InStyle UK wants to be a Victoria’s Secret model.

2. Nick Bilton, a columnist at the New York Times and the author of “Hatching Twitter,” is going to stop texting and walking.

3. The new U.S. Surgeon General, Brigham and Women’s physician, Vivek Murthy, wants you to quit smoking.

4. Forbes wants you to be happier at work.

5. The American Heart Association wants you to check your blood pressure more.

6. Typical Girl—which, folks, has 4.35 million followers—is looking for cheese.

7. Endurance athlete Neil Gottlieb says to set some goals for 2015 and then shut up about it.

8. Maroon 5 lead singer, “Sexiest Man Alive” winner, Blake Sheldon BFF, and Victoria Secret model enthusiast, Adam Levine, is starting the War on Trolls.

9. The Bearded Football Club is going to keep growing.

10. Linda Pizzuti Henry and John Lithgow say more Liverpool wins equals more Tweets.

11. Hubway wants you to get on a bike.

12. World Wildlife Fund wants you to say no to ivory.

13. Girl Code’s Tanisha Long is over all the BS.

14. John Burroughs, a conservationist and writer who died in 1921, had one ongoing resolution:

15. Peta wants BCBG (and everyone else) to stop using/wearing/buying fur this New Year.

16. The Surfrider Foundation is going to consume less plastic. Unless you are this mushroom, which actually eats plastic.

17. Portugal the Man can’t wait to get you home:

18. Writer Ben Greenman is just not into resolutions.

19. E! wants to dress like Taylor Swift.

20. The U.S. EPA wants you to get health care coverage:

21. Chad Johnson, a.k.a. Ochocinco, is better at this video game than he was for the Pats.

22. Vine star Kyle David Hall is going vegan.

23. Journalist Garrett Quinn wants you to step away from the Retweet button.

24. British TV star Caroline Flack, who just won “Strictly Come Dancing,” England’s version of “Dancing with the Stars,” wants to learn how to sing Nessun Dorma.

25. Hell on Heels Girl wants to bring back sayings from turn of the millennium Disney movies.

26. Fitness magazine wants you to love your body—as is.

27. Jill Filipovic, an attorney and political writer at Cosmopolitan, objects to CandyCrush and Farmville.

28. Governor-elect Charlie Baker wants to spend more time with his wife.

29. Travel and Leisure magazine wants you to take a dream trip.

30. MTV Pop wants to be the sixth member of Fifth Harmony.

31. Geraldo Rivera is going to laugh more. Presumably, at his shirtless selfies.

32. Boston’s Tweeter-about-town Michael Ratty wants to hang out with Sarah.

33. He gets me:

34. No resolution yet? Family Guy writer and producer Gary Janetti has a few ideas.

35. TV and theater star Andy Mientus is specific.

36. And if you don’t stop, then we won’t stop. Continuously to get money.

37. Bette Midler says waste not, want not.

38. ICYMI: “Friends” will be available for binge-watching on Netflix starting Jan. 1.

39. These guys need new writers.

40. Donald Trump wants to make America great again. He then spent the next 30 minutes Retweeting everyone who asked him to run for President. #BecauseBillionaires

41. Wait, which is it?

42. Saks says pink is the new black.

43. Planned Parenthood is going to continue to fight for women’s rights.

44. Drita Davanzo from VH1’s “Mob Wives” is going to stop cursing. Maybe.

45. Swedish YouTube star, Felix Kjellberg, a.k.a. PewDiePie, is going to attempt to be less perfect. He does look rather dreamy.

46. “Parks and Rec” is going to lay off the burgers.

47. The Wounded Warrior Project wants you to give back to our veterans.

48. The National Zoo wants you to invest in reusable chopsticks.

49. Professional boxer Carl Frampton has some lofty and not-so-lofty goals:

50. Well, duh.

51. Paul Stanley of KISS fame decided to plug his book.

52. Local company, Plank Yoga Mats, wants to explore with more curiosity:

53. Karl Lagerfeld’s incredibly spoiled cat, Choupette, is not a fan of dogs. Or children. Or #people who use a lot of #hashtags on #social #media.

54. This, 100 percent.

55. Burger King is not dieting. Obviously.

56. Spread love.

57. Josie Canseco, model and daughter of the notorious former Big Leaguer Jose, wants to be more like Kate Moss.

58. I will never stop being annoyed at those people, but nice thought. #MBTA

59. Good advice from Deepak Chopra:

60. Facialist to the stars and organic skin care line creator, Tracie Martyn, says to do more charity (while also looking and feeling good, of course).

61. Donnie Wahlberg says there’s even more in store for all you Blockheads.

62. Braden Graeber, writer and creator of Hipster Little Mermaid, wants to stop procrastinating.

63. Uh-huh.

64. “Saturday Night Live” cast member Aidy Bryant will do what she wants.

65. The Lancet journal says to get a memory screening.

66. Jim Lahey is going to keep on keeping on:

67. Jenny Slate says that you don’t want to be her.

68. Teen Vogue will be watching a lot of Disney Channel in 2015.

69. Emily Nussbaum, TV critic for The New Yorker, is going to watch more TV, if that’s possible.

70. Joss Whedon needs some R&R:

71. Congresswoman Fudge from Ohio wants people to have more educational opportunities.

72. You can’t mess with the Contra Code.

73. Seriously.

74. If trolls are ruining your Twitter experience, the executive editor of Vox says to use the block feature more.

75. Someone please hold this guy to this:

76. Quit texting and driving.

77. Riff Raff wants to gain 40 pounds.

78. B.J. Novak has Kanye on the brain.

79. Well played, Clorox. Cosign.

80. Someone else please tell me they do not understand this either.

81. You actin’ kinda shady, ain’t callin’ me baby. Better say my name.

82. Kevin O’Leary, a.k.a. Mr. Wonderful, wants you to to find financial freedom this year:

83. Real Simple magazine is going to drink more red wine.

84. Hey Ally, there are other nutritious greens to try, no force-feeding required.

85. Producer Walter Biscardi says to take a risk in 2015:

86. What kind of carbs do they serve in prison? #priorities

87. Comedy Central’s got jokes.

88. YouTube star Tyler Oakley is thinking ahead.

89. Sarah Dussault, a.k.a. Sarah Fit, is making goals, not resolutions.

90. UFC Fighter Tim Kennedy knows that lifestyle changes take time.

91. Richard Branson is going to make more li$t$.

92. Chris Brown made a positive resolution to stop smoking cigarettes, which will be great for his autotuned singing voice.

93. USDA Food safety wants you to buy a food thermometer.

94. HowStuffWorks says to tip more generously.

95. I wish David Chang’s resolution was to bring a Momofuku to Boston.

96. Hurley wants you to live the salt life.

97. Even Darth Vadar is going positive in 2015.

98. No, MORE Tweets please.

99. Peace out, 2014. Gold star.

Read More About:

Trending

  1. Here Are the Top Lawyers in Greater Boston

  2. The Betrayal of Sandra Birchmore

  3. Desnuda Cocina and Bar Opens in Boston’s South End

  4. A Wellesley Cape Cod Transforms From Traditional to Trendy

  5. Best of Boston Home 2025