A Region Divided in Its Donut Chain Preference Cannot Stand

Since the conclusion of the Civil War, there’s been a simmering tension between the North and South. The American citizens below the Mason-Dixon line view us Northerners as effete liberals with no moral code, while we view them as conservative haters of gay rights.

We’ve managed to keep a truce for the past 143 years, but a new battle between the two regions is escalating. But instead of fighting over slavery and state’s rights, we’ll be fighting over donuts. Dunkin’ Donuts announced its intention to open several outlets on Krispy Kreme’s home turf in North Carolina.

There have been a few skirmishes in this war already. Krispy Kreme opened its first Massachusetts location in 2003, sending Bostonians flocking to Medford to acquire the warm, gooey donuts. Several more Krispy Kreme stores opened, and even Dunkin’ Donuts’ staunchest supporters wrung their hands over what the Winston-Salem-based company’s invasion meant for their beloved chain.

But in 2006, Krispy Kreme was forced to admit defeat and retreated to the Mohegan Sun Casino, which is presently the chain’s closest location to Boston. But the Northerner’s donut chain of choice isn’t content to let the loser regroup, and is now taking the fight to Kripsy Kreme’s home turf in North Carolina.

We say, once more onto the breach, dear friends! Much like the Northerners believed slavery was an evil that should be eliminated, we think the gospel of Dunkin’ Donuts should be spread far and wide. If our friends in Canton need soldiers to hand out samples of Boston Creme donuts and hazelnut iced coffee, we’d consider it our patriotic duty to enlist.

See you in Appomattox, suckas!