Plantlike Plague Takes Over the MFA

A freakish plant form has suddenly sprouted at the MFA. Witnesses say it started in the gardens, but quickly spread to the atrium of the new wing where a stalk-like queen mother has grown an astounding 30-feet high in just a few days. She seems to have fixed her hive in the basement below. Those brave enough to venture down report that room after room of massive globular weirdness threatens all

Two investigators examine the “breathing tubes” of the alien beast.

of humanity. One shaken witness, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “People are helpless against this technicolor plague — most just stare at the horrific growth in silence, not sure whether to embrace the alien visitors, or take a baseball bat to them.” One thing is clear, say experts: The flowering ones thrive in low-light conditions. Some theorize that the most effective protection yet may be the simple iPhone with flash. To test the idea, a corps of volunteers has shown up daily, armed with photographic devices, determined to blast the things back to their maker. As of press time, museum officials report no change in the growth.

Investigators are looking for a Svengali-esque man with an eyepatch and alfalfa hair who may know something about the creatures’ genesis. He was last seen hypnotizing curators with a wink and a nod.

MFA visitor and hobbyist gardener Hortense Crumley said, “We can only hope the winter will kill ’em off.” Indeed. In the meantime, perhaps we can take comfort in the wisdom of Roald Dahl: “A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.”