Want to Buy David Ortiz’s Old Facial Hair?

Beard ball trophy via Ebay.

Do you ever lie awake and wonder: “Where did all the hair go when David Ortiz and Shane Victorino shaved off their beards for a Gillette charity fundraiser last month?” No, of course you don’t.

“You may have thought the famed facial hair was gone forever,” spokesperson Kristin Sundberg writes in an e-mail blast. “Were they washed down the drains of Gillette’s World Shave Headquarters? Flushed into the Atlantic?”

Hopefully, because that would be normal.

“No,” she writes. “In fact, every strand of the biggest beards of baseball was saved.”

Oh.

Not only were the strands saved, they were encased alongside the razors that separated them from their former facial homes and assembled into a kind of trophy, a “beard ball trophy,” as Gillette is calling it. Now, in what is undoubtedly the strangest charity auction you will see today, they are up for sale on Ebay, and the proceeds are going to Movember, which encourages men to grow mustaches and raise money to combat prostate and testicular cancer. This is, for sure, the prelude to some sort of sci-fi movie wherein we stumble upon the beard ball trophy and clone David Ortiz 250 years from now.

“I’m glad that the beard that helped me throughout the series can now help raise funds for a great organization like Movember,” David Ortiz is quoted saying in a press release. Sure, we’re all for combating prostate cancer, too Papi. It’s just a little weird how no one is acting as if this is the most bizarre object ever assembled. What is a “beard ball?” What would the rules of “beard ball” be that earned one a “beard ball trophy”? When the archaeologists dig this out of the ruins of humanity 3,500 years from now, what conclusions will they draw about us as a society? “The humans of this era shaved rarely, and when they did, they paid respectful tribute to the act, with complex religious iconography to honor it,” some boring academic will conclude.

“We’ve never done anything like this,” says Hooman Shahidi, senior brand manager for Gillette, referring to the practice of selling men’s facial hair clippings to the highest bidder. No surprise there. “But their facial hair has been the symbol of the team since spring training and became part of baseball lore.” Now it can become the weirdest thing on display in your living room! Bidding begins at $105, and shipping is free and probably doesn’t violate any federal health code laws! So get going!