Boston Will Be on the Next Monopoly Board

Monopoly photo by PT Money on Flickr

Boston will have a spot on the next edition of Monopoly, called “Monopoly Here and Now.” The new edition of the classic board game will replace familiar properties like Park Place and Atlantic Avenue with names of American cities. Because Boston is a WORLD CLASS CITY, we assume we will be put in our proper spot: one of the dark blue properties, or perhaps one of the dark greens if they really have to–

–wait, WHAT.

The layout of the new Monopoly Here & Now: U.S. Edition, in order from most to least expensive, is:

Dark blue: Pierre, S.D..; Minneapolis

Green: New York; Virginia Beach, Va.; Los Angeles

Yellow: Chicago, Indianapolis. Charleston, S.C.

Red: Detroit, Boston, Milwaukee

Orange: Cleveland; Asheville, N.C..; Denver […]

WHAT.

All the way in the Red Properties? Next to such urban mediocrities as Milwaukee and Detroit? This is an insult. Don’t they know we’re the HUB OF THE UNIVERSE?! Boston might be the host of the next Olympics (not that we care) and you’re going to force us to be neighbors with Detroit?

Actually, this insult seems to be the fault of Boston’s own apathy. The order was determined based on the winners of an online voting contest hosted by Buzzfeed. That might be why you see Pierre and Minneapolis in the top spots. Those losers had nothing better to do than take a dumb Buzzfeed quiz. Boston, being a world class city, had much more important things to do. Like taking actually fun Buzzfeed quizzes. (Which “Bring It On” cheerleader are you?)

And anyway, who even cares about the green and dark blue properties? Statistically speaking, the orange and red properties are more popular, anyway. That’s because Monopoly sends people to jail almost as often as the U.S. justice system, so the spaces that come just after the Jail spot get an above average amount of foot traffic. In a way, then, by not voting as much as those mouth breathers in South Dakota, Boston has earned its rightful spot on the Monopoly board as a WORLD CLASS CITY.

But frankly, we’re not sure about all these new-fangled Monopoly editions, in the first place. If you want to represent Boston in the game of Monopoly, just ask one of us to pronounce “Marvin Gardens.”