Dear Bitchless Bride: I’m Worried I’ll Have a Sexless Marriage

Welcome to Dear Bitchless Bride, a series in which wedding planner Deborah DeFrancesco—the founder of Bitchless Bride the Podcast + Blog—offers uncensored advice on your most complicated wedding-planning woes. Have a question for Deborah? Email weddings@bostonmagazine.com.

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Dear Bitchless Bride,

I’m getting married at the end of the year and everything is going well as far as the planning is concerned. My fiancé is incredibly helpful and wants our wedding to reflect who we are, and not just throw some fancy affair to please the masses. And I love him for that. I love him for a lot of reasons, which is why I said yes when he proposed. There’s only one problem. Our sex life is virtually nonexistent. I would say that we have sex monthly; while it’s a lovely experience when we do connect in that way, it’s too infrequent, and I am concerned about what our future love life will be like once kids are in the picture and we’re out of our “honeymoon phase.” In the beginning we had more sex but, after two years together, it’s gotten to be way less.

I feel bad writing this because we are compatible in pretty much every other way, and love each other deeply. But from an intimacy standpoint, I’m left feeling unsatisfied and undesirable, and I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse. I’d love your advice on how to broach this uncomfortable subject with him and how to do it in a way that won’t hurt his feelings (and bring us closer physically).

Sincerely,

Sexless Love

Dear Sexless Love,

It sounds like you are about to marry an incredible person who loves you tremendously. Seriously, any fiancé who understands how important it is that your wedding is a reflection of who you are as a couple—and isn’t concerned about the expectation of what a wedding “should be”—is a keeper. On the other hand, sex is important. Sex is fun. Sex is nice. Consider it an integral part of your wedding planning—something that you have to have and will bring you closer as a couple before one of the biggest days of your lives. When sex is missing from a relationship, it can disenchant even the most enchanted couple.

You mentioned that you two are compatible in basically every other way, which tells me that while it might be hard for you to broach this subject, he’d be willing to listen. And if he’s willing to listen, I’m sure he’d be open to mending the physical bond between you. That being said, it’s all in how you present your feelings to him. It’s incredibly important to direct his attention to how you feel (unsatisfied, undesirable, etc.), and not necessarily what he is doing or is not doing. As crazy as it sounds, maybe he is so comfortable with you that he became complacent as a lover. Or maybe there’s an underlying problem that will require counseling. Perhaps he’s nervous about getting married, and this is how his trepidation is presenting itself? I don’t know, but I would sure as hell do everything I could to find out.

Talking about sex or the lack thereof will automatically shine a spotlight on any cracks in your relationship. And, sometimes, these cracks feel bigger in your head than they are in reality. Honestly? Any time my hus’ and I are in a sex rut, I realize that I am just as guilty as he is. Because, the truth is, we are comfortable, and sometimes we just want to “make out” with our phones before bed instead of getting naked. Or we are physically exhausted and the idea of heart-pounding sex feels like way too much work. But when one of us brings up how we haven’t “done it” in a while? I swear a lightbulb explodes, and we make time for each other. Sometimes that means we put it on the calendar and, as unsexy as it sounds, it gets us back into the groove.

Bridey, once you get past broaching the topic, hopefully you’ll start “doing it” until you no longer have to talk about it! And, if not… Well, then you have to decide if your sexless love is a force strong enough to prevent you from walking down the aisle. Good luck!

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